5-14-2013 8PM

I hate my life. I hate who I am. I feel so unwanted, worthless and stupid. There was so much I wanted to accomplish before now. I don’t have any special skills or anything I am good at, except, maybe, just sitting on my fat ass feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to be successful but it seems as though I just drifted through life on some conveyor belt and just… existed. I haven’t done anything worth while. I never should have existed. I have always been worthless and unwanted and that is how I will die.

Yeah, I am married but I think that was more of a way for me to get away from dad and for Ty to find himself a baby sitter so his parents don’t have to. I don’t think he ever loved me. I feel as though I was just pussy for him. He always seems to find a reason to not be home to give me or the kids attention. I don’t think he ever wanted us. He almost acts ashamed or embarrassed of us. He is always yelling at the kids and threatening to ‘bust their asses’. I can’t say anything to him without him getting pissed off and storming off like some immature child.

I have applied at a few dozen places but no one wants me. I might get an interview at a place or two but nothing ever comes of it. I don’t feel like I am smart enough to take college classes. Even if I did I don’t know how I would get there. My car is always on empty and my phone only works half the time. My parents won’t want to come in every day to watch the kids and Ty’s mom works at night so she sleeps during the day.

I just don’t know what to do. I published books but no one buys them. I need a change. I want to get away from Vernal but Ty won’t move. I feel life would be better if I was in a new/different town.

(no subject)

It seems as though no matter what I do Ty is constantly pissed off at me. I can’t seem to get him to show me affection. He pushes me away from him. He won’t tell me he loves me or hug me or kiss me unless I beg it from him.

This isn’t just lately that he acts like he hates me. It’s been like this three or four years now. We will be married 6 years in August. He walks around like he is pissed and mad constantly. Kids and I can’t do anything or say anything with out him getting all cranky and he starts yelling at everyone.

Kids will walk up to him and try to get him to talk to them or read a story or something and he starts yelling at them. He is constantly threatening to ‘bust their ass’ when they do something wrong instead of telling them they can’t do what they just did and why. L

I try to get him to hug me or talk to me or what ever and he’ll roll his eyes. I can’t bring anything up that needs to be dealt with without him yelling and throwing things around. Like the situation with Korban and his little pervertedness.

I try to tell him the reason Vince’s front teeth are rotted is because he lets him have bottles or sippy cups at night when he is suppose to be sleeping and he gets all pissy and starts throwing some junior high girl attitude/temper tantrum.

It’s almost like he doesn’t want to deal with anything. He won’t read to the kids or play with them or anything. It’s almost like he’s embarrassed of us or something. He won’t discuss things with me with out getting mad.

I just want to feel loved/wanted. I can’t even get a job. It’s like I am not good enough for anyone. I want to get an education but I don’t have the $40 application fee for the damn college. Ty won’t give me the $40. I can’t think of any way to come up with $40. I suppose I could go ask the college or job service about how to get that paid for, then a scholarship to go to college. Maybe tomorrow I will do that. Take some quick course so I can get a job fairly soon.

I am getting to feeling like my parents and siblings don’t even like me. It’s like they only come over to visit the kids. I feel like if I didn’t have kids they would never come over. I feel like they are embarrassed of me.

Ty, Korban, Leland, Vince and I went up to Remember the Maine to eat pizza and drink pop with mom, dad, Susan, Willy and Shawbarrie. Susan and Willy’s birthday is tomorrow and they did sort of a little birthday party type thing today since they work tomorrow.

Leland went and pooped his pants so I had to clean him up and then put my hoodie on him until we got home because I went and forgot to bring extra pants ‘just in case’.

When we got home Korban had a damn boner and I automatically think it’s because he got turned on by Leland not having pants on. What other reason is he going to have a boner for?

The reason I thought this was because back in December I caught him shaking his penis at Vince and Leland. Plus, I am constantly telling him to keep his hands to himself because he keeps trying to put his hands near his brother’s private parts like he wants to touch them or something.

He’s always trying to go down into their rooms with them by themselves when he knows he’s not aloud to. He keeps looking at them with this weird look in his eyes like he wants to grope them or rape them or something.

I wonder about that kid. He is 12 years old and still pees and poops the bed and he acts like its normal. He would soon sit and stare at the wall rather than do his homework or help clean. I can’t even get him to read a simple kindergarten book to his brothers without him whining about it.

I can’t really get him to even go play. He would soon just wander aimlessly around the yard.

His regular doctor says he has ADHD but I think it’s something more. His regular doctor doesn’t really know about this stuff just the fact that he has a hard time focusing in class and is constantly up and down and wandering the hallways at school.

Right now Korban is in counseling at Northeastern Counseling Center and he has to take some kind of class that deals with sexual offenses as community service. Judge charged him with I think it’s called: ‘sexual nuisance’. *shrugs*


Here is a challenge for you; Go to the store and get a postcard that has significance of your town, state, etc. It can be an aerial view… animal of the area… temple…. Museum… if your area is known for dinosaurs then send me a dinosaur postcards… if your area is known for haunted building and there are postcards for it then send me that.
Just be sure to explain the postcard to me. For example if it’s an aerial view tell me how many people live there… birth to death ratio… or whatever.
If you would rather go out and take a picture or two or three of what you think represents your area then go do that and be sure to write me a good description on the back of each picture that tells me about that picture.
If you need my address then message me.


I plan to start sending a "Traveling Journal". If you want to join then email me ( and let me know be sure to give me your postal address. I will have two separate ones going on at one time. You don’t have to write in both.

In this “Traveling Journal” you aren’t bound to one theme. You can do one of what I listed or just write a poem you wrote or a short story. You write a letter about your day or a vacation you went on, etc, etc.

Please don’t take up more than 2 sheets of paper (front and back). Please be sure to send it on its way within a week. Let me know when you receive it so I can give you the next address. Also, let me know when you receive it.

1. "About" ~ this one you will just put the highlights of your town/county/state/country. Like a postcard showing your area or a newspaper clipping of something of your town. Tell about a museum or what makes your area interesting (ex: dinosaurs, heritage, etc).

2. "ART" ~ this one you will do something that deals with 'art' like drawing or painting or whatever.

3. "Photographs" ~ Post a photograph you have taken of scenery, landscape, animals, signs, etc. Put a little description under it or next to it.

Please be sure to write your first name (at least) and where you are from (state, town, country).

Wedding Anniversary! 5 years
Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary.... As usual we did nothing to celebrate because we have no money. I been attempting to get Ty to get a better paying job so we could get by a little better.... he seems to like to stay at these jobs that only pay him like 8 or 9 dollars an hour when he can easily go get a job that'll pay him 12 dollars an hour. I don't know what his deal is. I can't get a job with my car broken and no cell phone. There is an invisible brick wall in front of me. I think I may have gotten to the top of the brick wall to get on the other side I get shoved right back to the bottom of it. It's so frustrating. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate not having money. I hate not being able to do anything. There isn't much to do when you have absolutely no money and everything costs money to do. It seems nothing is free anymore. Except going to the city park and walks.... before you know it they will start charging you to go the the freaking city park. Park isn't exactly within walking distance from here. BLAH!!!

This Thing Called Life
I hate my life
I really really do
Can't seem to get ahead
In this thing called life

Everytime I think I may
Be getting ahead in life
I hit a brick wall
Or get shoved back

It's like some sick and twisted board game
I know somewhere out there god and the devil
Are laughing at me as they figure out ways
To make my life a nightmare

I just want to get ahead in life
I want a job, a working car
I want a husband who actually cares
I want a way out of
This thing called life

I want to feel like my life has a meaning
I want to feel wanted and loved
I want to have more in life

My family has been asking me what I want for my birthday... I can't have what I want for my birthday because Jack is at Maeser Cemetary. I miss him so much.

I probably stay home on saturday. Ty gets paid the 16th and some of his paycheck will go to get my car street legal and registered and what not. Then I will go out and look for a job to help with bills and what not. I got a ford Taurus. Not sure of the year.... 1994 I think. Yeah it's old.... like me. I will be 28. Where did the last ten years go?

I am hoping once I find a job the kids and I will be able to go do more things rather than sitting home and going for walks to Western Park. It's gets old and boring after a while. Been trying to sell stuff we don't necessarily need but even then we don't have much money to do anything.

Best/worst fries

Who makes the best fast food fries, in your opinion?
Who makes the worst?
State your reasonings, students.

Arby's where I live makes the best fries.... they aren't too salty and they have a nice crunch to them...
McDonald's here are gross... too overly greasy and salty.

What is something that makes you feel very special?

When my kids show/tell me they love me. IT makes me feel I am doing something right in being a parent. I try my best. Some days I feel like I'm not a very good mommy... but I just hope I can raise them good.

interesting information

I have actually had a few episodes of sleep paralysis. I can remember one time last year sometime I was laying there sleeping and then I felt myself wake up and I saw a figure in the doorway of my bedroom. It was hunched down on all fours. It seemed almost human but with a bluish skin. It was moving... almost twitching back and forth. I tried to wake my husband but could get my body to move or words out of my mouth. It was creepy.


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