I hate my life. I hate who I am. I feel so unwanted, worthless and stupid. There was so much I wanted to accomplish before now. I don’t have any special skills or anything I am good at, except, maybe, just sitting on my fat ass feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to be successful but it seems as though I just drifted through life on some conveyor belt and just… existed. I haven’t done anything worth while. I never should have existed. I have always been worthless and unwanted and that is how I will die.
Yeah, I am married but I think that was more of a way for me to get away from dad and for Ty to find himself a baby sitter so his parents don’t have to. I don’t think he ever loved me. I feel as though I was just pussy for him. He always seems to find a reason to not be home to give me or the kids attention. I don’t think he ever wanted us. He almost acts ashamed or embarrassed of us. He is always yelling at the kids and threatening to ‘bust their asses’. I can’t say anything to him without him getting pissed off and storming off like some immature child.
I have applied at a few dozen places but no one wants me. I might get an interview at a place or two but nothing ever comes of it. I don’t feel like I am smart enough to take college classes. Even if I did I don’t know how I would get there. My car is always on empty and my phone only works half the time. My parents won’t want to come in every day to watch the kids and Ty’s mom works at night so she sleeps during the day.
I just don’t know what to do. I published books but no one buys them. I need a change. I want to get away from Vernal but Ty won’t move. I feel life would be better if I was in a new/different town.